How to Outsmart Narcissists: 11 Ways to Help You Get Control (2023)

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Co-authored byJay Reid, LPCCand Sophia Latorre

Last Updated: July 21, 2023References

Separate yourself from the person.

1. Steer clear of anyone who treats you poorly or makes you feel bad. Narcissistic supply is a psychological term for the gratification that narcissists need to feel on a constant basis. Narcissists get this supply in a lot of different ways, like showing off, ignoring boundaries, or being extra negative.^[2] You can cut off this supply by separating yourself as much as possible, like:

   • Giving yourself plenty of “me-time” instead of being constantly available for a narcissistic partner
   • Preventing a narcissistic ex-spouse from getting a bigger payout during the divorce proceedings^[3]
   • Blocking the phone number of a narcissistic parent
   • Putting in 100% effort each day when you work for a narcissistic boss^[4]

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Take time to heal.

1. Healing yourself is the best way to get the upper hand. A narcissist typically longs to be at the center of your thoughts and feelings—after all, that’s the ultimate form of control! Giving yourself the time and space to move on is the best way to break this link and outsmart the narcissist in your life once and for all. Some good ways to start healing from a toxic narcissistic relationship are:

   • Journaling your thoughts and feelings
   • Reminding yourself that the abuse wasn’t your fault
   • Practicing self-care
   • Visiting a therapist^[5]

Take responsibility for your part in a conflict.

1. Taking responsibility helps you take control of the conversation. Some narcissists like to get gratification by being negative and putting others down.^[6] Instead of butting heads, focus on taking responsibility for what you did wrong in the situation.^[7] This open admission may change the momentum of the conversation, which takes the person off-guard.

   • Narcissistic Partner: “I can’t believe how messy the kitchen is. You never do anything to clean up around here.”
     You: “You’re right—I said I was going to do the dishes after dinner and I totally blanked. That’s on me!”
   • Narcissistic Parent: “You have all this free time but you never seem to be able to make time for me.”
     You: “I understand where you’re coming from. I definitely lost track of time this past week, and I’m sorry that I forgot to give you a call.”
   • In the past, many narcissists were berated when they showed any sign of weakness—because of this, they’re may not willing to take the blame for anything. Having this special psychological insight can give you the upper hand in a conversation.

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React with empathy and respect.

1. Take the high road to avoid negativity. Many narcissists thrive on conflict and will take control of the conversation as soon as you get defensive or try to fight back. Instead, you can take control by making empathetic statements about the situation, which will help them calm down.^[8]

   • Narcissistic Partner: “I can’t believe you forgot to pick me up from work! I can never rely on you.”
     You: “You must have felt really frustrated when you had to wait around for me. I can definitely understand why you felt that way.”
   • Narcissistic Friend: “I can’t believe you couldn’t go with me to the movies yesterday.”
     You: “That must have been really annoying that you had to go see the movie by yourself.”

wikiHow Quiz: Am I Dating a Narcissist?

Only a mental health professional can diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder), but there are plenty of red flags you can look out for. Take this quiz to find out where you stand.

How did they act when you first started dating?

Remain calm and unaffected.

1. Avoid escalating the situation by being unresponsive. A popular strategy for dealing with narcissists is the “Grey Rock Method”—this is where you disengage and separate yourself from the narcissist as much as possible, so you become as interesting as a “grey rock.”^[9] Here are a few ways to incorporate this method into your daily life:

   • Cut a conversation with a narcissistic co-worker short and excuse yourself to work on something else.
   • Give your narcissistic partner absolutely no reaction when they try to push your buttons.
   • Stay on topic if you’re having a conversation with a manipulative, narcissistic parent.

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Disengage from their conversations.

1. Walk away to avoid conflict. Some narcissists are really good at dominating and controlling the dialogue of a conversation. They may find a way to twist things back on you. By cutting your conversations short and taking a step back, you’re actually outsmarting them and getting the upper hand.^[10]

   • “I have to run to the grocery store. I’ll be back later!”
   • “Sorry, but I really have to finish up this assignment before the end of the day.”
   • “Gotta go—this deadline isn’t going to meet itself!”

Set and enforce clear boundaries.

1. Stand up for yourself if they treat you poorly. Narcissists may be looking for ways to push your buttons and take control—by creating and enforcing clear boundaries, you’re taking this sense of control away from them. Think about what type of behavior you aren’t willing to put up with, and step away from the narcissist whenever they violate that boundary.^[11]

   • “I don’t appreciate being name-called. I’m leaving the room until you can speak to me respectfully.”
   • “Guilt-tripping is immature, and I’m not going to put up with it. I’m stepping back until you’re ready to have an actual conversation.”
   • “You’re speaking to me in a disrespectful tone, and that’s not okay with me. I won’t continue this conversation until you can talk to me in a civil way.”

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Keep your intentions and goals to yourself.

1. Don’t tell them anything they can use against you. A narcissist may try to get the upper hand, and could use any info they learn about you to get an extra advantage. Keep your cards close to your chest and avoid revealing what you really want.^[12]

   • If you’re divorcing a narcissistic spouse, you might comment about how you want to keep the car when you’d really rather keep the house. Your spouse might try to sabotage your chances of getting the car as a means of control without realizing that they’re playing into your hand.

Stay calm.

1. Losing your cool could give them the upper hand. Many narcissists desire control and may try to bait others into toxic conversations to stay on top. In these conversations, the best way you can outsmart a narcissist is by not taking the bait to begin with. When they try to escalate the conversation, try:^[13]

   • Complimenting them (“I’m always impressed by your focus and attention to detail.”)
   • Asking for their opinion (“How would you have done this differently?”)
   • Using “we” statements (“I think we both said things that we regret.”)

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Lean on your support system to validate your reality.

1. A narcissist may try to gaslight you, or make you doubt your own reality. If this happens, check in with your friends and loved ones. Explain what the narcissist said to you, and let your support system validate what you’ve experienced.^[14]

   • “Kyle said some really cruel things to me last night, but then told me I was ‘too sensitive’ when I called him out on it. Was I overreacting?”
   • “I confronted Angie about what I found out, and she said that I was imagining things. Do you think that’s true, or is she just trying to gaslight me?”

1. Distance and space are the best ways to handle the situation. If the person in your life thrives on control and access to your life, they won’t get either of those things when you completely cut them out. Going “no contact,” or removing them from every aspect of your life, is the healthiest, most permanent way to handle a toxic relationship.^[15] You can go no-contact by:

   • Blocking them from your phone and social media
   • Steering clear of any mutual friends
   • Not allowing yourself to think about them^[16]
   • Going “no contact” might not be a feasible option at the moment if you’re stuck in an abusive relationship. If you can’t leave your partner right away, start making an escape plan for the future.^[17]

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